I have now been subjected to ‘Bubu game’ as Nimo communicates through handwritten notes
It has been hard explaining to Nimo, the nagger, how the barmaid’s boobs ended up with one tit in my mouth at the lodging. Locking ourselves for after curfew drinks was the idea of Skonye, the counter girl at Teke Teke Wines & Spirits, our local. Haki ya mama, I have no idea how her boob’s spilled over to my mouth, I swear. Reasoning with Nimo has been similar to swimming backstroke while heading a soccer ball.
“Hii kesi nakuitia wazee” she hissed between clenched teeth even after telling her to go slow since Uhuru, the Chief Kanyui, has not eased the curfew and lockdown. I thought she was joking. Kumbe the joke was on me.
Her uncle, the one who has all molars missing and survives on the strength of mashed potatoes, called the other day. He made it clear I needed my folks to accompany me, having been caught pants down “sleeping with a woman of easy virtue” and “hata hujamaliza kulipa ruracio.”
I called ‘Uncle Jamaica’ (who has never travelled beyond Githurai) and informed him of the trip to Kenol
Because of lockdown, Nimo’s family booked a conference hall in one of those joints around Kenol –that place where all people from Central and Mt Kenya region meet along the Thika Superhighway on their way to and from ruracio’s, weddings and funerals.
I called ‘Uncle Jamaica’ (who has never travelled beyond Githurai) and informed him of the trip to Kenol to discuss “kesi imeni lalia.” He needed to come not just in his moth-eaten suit bought during the 2009 Census, but also be armed with crucial proverbs and wise sayings.
He asked for Sh10, 000 for hiring a 14-seater for my other uncles whose major undertaking in life is lazing around mung’etho, the shopping centre in shags, from where they’re slurred by second generation drinks. Uncle Jamaica also demanded Sh3000 for mitungi ya muratina “na utume na ya kutoa.”
My alcohol-induced intelligence told me it didn’t make sense spending Sh500 to pick Sh100 worth of avocados from Githurai
Uncle Jamaica also asked I pull a ka-surprise with witnesses: Skonye, whose tits landed me in this problem, being the key one. Brayo, from the local was also caught with Kanana, the waitress with big brown seductive eyes. Her butt was hugging his crotch and he too has a case to answer.
In the meantime, mother in-law had sent avocados through 2NK matatus before “kesi ya wazee” began. My alcohol-induced intelligence told me it didn’t make sense spending Sh500 to pick Sh100 worth of avocados from Githurai which is 80 kilometres from our estate, duh!
I have now been subjected to ‘Bubu game’as Nimo communicates through handwritten notes. “Go pick toto at the daycare in the evening.” I never saw that one, haki ya mama. ‘Child and avocado neglect’ was piled to my other sins of “sleeping with a woman of easy virtue.”
I will tell you how Uncle Jamaica performed in his moth-eaten suit next week.
