One drunk female driver ran uchi wa mnyama towards the forest shouting ‘Afande nikikupea utawezana kweli?’
We had to spend the night by the police road block. It was 9pm. Curfew time. Makarao were not laughing with us. Aunt wa Harrier, who had stopped to deal with her diarrhea in the bush, said there was no cause for further alarm. She had a “ka-teenager” which is what she called the one litre of blended whiskey, 18 year old as she poured generous tots in a white plastic cup. She was self-contained, had sliced lemons before their prices hit the roof.
Aunt wa Harrier had never spent a night in her Harrier-which I later bitterly learnt was on loan. She was paying for it in installments but the pandemic nosed south her business of importing stuff from “Shaina and Taake”. China and Turkey. How the Harrier was repossessed as we got thrown out just before Limuru, is a story for another day.
But on diarrhea day, the road block found us past Soko Mjinga along the Nairobi-Nakuru highway. Past some forest, it was freezing cold. Aunt wa Harrier put on the air con and mugithi songs so naughty she lit up a cigarette. I never knew she smoked. Curious traffic cops latched over from the road block.
One drunk driver stopped and slurred: ‘Afande, what are you doing kwa baridi bila mask?…hamna makwenyu?’
“Madam naomba monzo” said the one chewing miraa. Kumbe monzo was a fag. She gave them a cigar instead “hiyo nili nunua Taake” she explained of her collection of cigars. The cops puffed in turns followed by killer coughing “hawa wata kohoa kidneys” reasoned Aunt wa Harrier, easing herself out to go pee in the bush, again.
From the stuff we saw past midnight, Kenyan police road blocks should have a dedicated television soap opera. One driver who was drunk and was not ferrying “essentials” like medical supplies and food stuffs, stopped and slurred: “Afande!..have your salaries been delayed again…what are you doing kwa baridi bila mask?…hamna makwenyu?” He tried speeding off but punctured all tires driving through the police spike strip. This offender complicated life by claiming he’s the Area OCS!
She begged cops to let her go pee: ‘Mnataka nijikojolee… na mimi ni dame ako na meno 32?’
Then there was the woman who was flagged for flashing her headlights while hooting at the cops. She was driving solo. Was high like a kite. When stopped she pleaded guilty to all her charges. Didn’t resist arrest. Her car was still running when she begged the cops to let her go pee “ama mnataka nijikojolee… na mimi ni dame ako na meno 32?”
But before anyone could say ‘OCS’ she removed all her clothes and ran uchi wa mnyama towards the forest while shouting “Afande nikikupea utawezana kweli!