The drunk jirani who runs for Kenya after curfew

I almost peed on my pants when the karao chewing miraa lit his torch towards the windscreen

So now last week I was drinking inside the car at the estate parking lot before curfew time.  I dozed off and woke up at 9pm. I had no mask. Cops were leaning on the bonnet, smoking, drinking from quarter bottles, chewing veve. My bladder was bursting.

A bladder is connected to the brain and when it’s full, both are. But I had a brainwave. I considered turning the two litre mineral water bottle at the boot into a portable urinal. 

But any movement would alert the cops kwanza who threatened “nika shika kamoja bila mask after curfew hiyo ni Sh30, 000 without bargaining.” 

And then how do you shoot into the bottle bila that shhhrruuuuu! sound like Sasumua dam burst its banks?

I almost peed on my pants when the karao chewing miraa lit his torch towards the windscreen. I doubled down and managed to fit between the steering wheel and the brake pads. “Hii ni kama third party” I heard him mouth about the license.

Panic has ways of emptying a full bladder.

Our supper is normally at 9pm. It was going 30 minutes past. Was my phone on silent? The nagger might call with the usual “uko wapi usiku bila sweater, mmmhh?…any symptoms ni quarantine direct!…and when do you want us to  eat, mmmhh?…your daughter is about to sleep!”

Wewe kuja chapa!.. masaa ni ya curfew…wapi mask?…temperature ni ngapi…na umelewa?

Her calling would see the ringtone costing me Sh30, 000 from the karao itching to make arrests. Then the cops had a windfall. Someone was speeding home in that half stagger, half run style peculiar to drunkards at night.

“Wewe kuja chapa!.. masaa ni ya curfew…wapi mask?…temperature ni ngapi…na umelewa?” shouted the cop of Sh30, 000. 

 I knew the suspect’s voice.  It was the guy on the fourth floor whose children are often told by other kiherehere kids: “jana babako was crawling up the stairs!”

Jirani told the cops that even the president is aware, alcohol is an essential services during lockdown. He then slurred that he was out at night because “I was jogging…mimi nakimbilia Kenya!”

He argued “siwezi kimbia kama nime kaa chini” and went on to demonstrate how he will sprint in the coming Olympics in Tokyo

 I lifted my head to follow the proceedings and almost pressed the horn, yet from my position, clearly I can’t claim to run for Kenya.

While passing his cigarette, the cop chewing miraa wondered “unakimbilia Kenya usiku?”

The cops demanded that our jirani sit down on the cobbled parking lot but he argued “siwezi kimbia kama nime kaa chini” and went on to demonstrate how he will sprint in the coming Olympics in Tokyo.

All the cops chased after him towards our block. The nagger was calling. I slid out the car and sprinted for Kenya towards the estate’s main gate…