The Bar Stool with Papa Whiskey

The birthday drama of ‘Maasai Ngwaci’

Brayo was on top of the fridge shouting ‘pinga nduru ya Yesu

Roast goat ribs: The gang asked that I hire Maasai wa kuchinja na kuchoma from Kajiado.

It was my daughter’s birthday. She just turned three. I made the inebriated mistake of inviting drinkers from local since bars are closed. The drama that ensued made my wife, Nimo, the resident nagger to fura kama zile mandazi from Burma market along Jogoo Road.

 My drinking pals, akina Skonye the counter girl, Kanana the waitress, Brayo and Professor demanded roast mbuzi for stomach defense. They were not keen on mchele, chapati and other kinds of chakula za watoto.

Since the butcher at the local was used to preparing mutura, mara, ulimi, roho and thufu, the gang asked that I hire Maasai wa kuchinja na kuchoma from Kajiado.

Let’s start drinking we cannot eat on an empty stomach

We gave him directions but his phone kept on losing network. He got lost 10 times, boarding matatus to Wanyee, after giving endless directions on loud speaker. He could not get an Uber. His kabambe was bila Internet. We were later to learn we were dealing with what Nimo calls ‘Maasai Ngwaci.’

Akina Skonye, Kanana and Brayo began wetting their gills after Professor said “Let’s start drinking we cannot eat on an empty stomach.” The gang was getting high like kites. Skonye was dancing chini kwa chini to gospel songs while Brayo was on top of the fridge shouting “pinga nduru ya Yesu. Kanana mistook rooms, went to the master bedroom, locked herself in the toilet and chewed a blackout.

 By the time Maasai wa kuchinja arrived seven hours later, kedo 3pm or thereabouts, Professor was peeing from the balcony and checking the hose power of his throw while laughing like a hyena.

Maasai wa kuchinja introduced himself as Ololosho with a Maasai accent. Since birthday guests were cut like diamonds, Ololosho asked for four bottles of ‘Yokozuna’ “ndio tukuwe level mmoja” with Maasai accent.

At the fourth bottle of ‘Yokozuna’ Ololosho’s eyes were pepper red

‘Yokozuna’ was some second generation drink I had never heard about, but the effects were visible. Ololosho gave Nimo, mother of the birthday girl, the goat head with instructions: “gwara hii ni ya supu!” with Maasai accent.

Ololosho gave Professor the goat’s intestines to stuff with sliced matumbo and blood to make mutura, but Professor filled them with tap water.

Brayo was given the four goat legs to “gwara ya kuchoma” but he began playing darts with them on the wall, splashing blood on Nimo’s framed photos.

At the fourth bottle of ‘Yokozuna’ Ololosho’s eyes were pepper red. He turned to me and introduced himself again: Naitwa Mwangi, Ololosho ni jina ya kazi!” with a Kikuyu accent.

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