The Jagular Vein

Slay queens: How broke dunderheads…marry clever Kenyan millionaires!

When it comes to marriage, there is nothing like a smart man, just an idiot looking for a wife

Fatal Attraction: Obsession with beauty and its trappings has plagued society since the biblical King David got Uriah killed to have his wife, Bathsheba.

By Brian Guserwa

Visiting Thinker

We have heard it said a thousand times, men are simple creatures and hardly look beyond the dimples and derriere when choosing a wife. A nice, weighty pair of breasts is enough to turn their heads. The kind that comes with back problems. Add a shapely posterior, a sprinkling of baby hairs on a proud, gleaming, Arimis-slathered forehead, and skin the colour of a school bus, and it’s a done deal.  The man is content.

This obsession with beauty and its trappings has plagued society since the biblical King David got Uriah killed to have his wife, Bathsheba. Women slave to attain whatever beauty standards are fashionable. Men in turn, slave just chasing such women.

The slay queen is a woman of infinite beauty, a powerful combination of photoshop, make-up, filters and the creatively-deployed skill set of a plastic surgeon

Thus emerged the slay queen, the raw manifestation of the beauty standard of the day. But just how do clever millionaires end up marrying broke, dunderhead slay queens?

The slay queen, alas! is not a disgraced Norse ruler who travels across the galaxies laying waste to all who stand in her path. It is an odd phrase, in that the women it refers to are neither queens nor are they capable of slaying anything, except perhaps the brain cells of anyone unfortunate enough to be stuck in a conversation with them.

A smart man, the former A-student, will have no heartburn marrying a slay queen. She represents all the girls who turned him down in high school

Days of wine and roses: Often, the slay queen commands the most attention, has the most suitors. She literally turns all heads, including heads of men who chewed books to straight ‘As’.

No, the slay queen is a woman of infinite beauty, made even more infinite by a powerful combination of photoshop, make-up, filters and the creatively-deployed skill set of a plastic surgeon. Everything about her has been calibrated and finely tuned to ensnare even the most reluctant eyeball.

From her hair— usually a motley crew of weaves— a single strand of which can buy a second-hand Subaru; to her skin, a dazzling wallpaper in the vague colour palette between Duracoat yellow and the colour of ‘short’ tea— skin which is always oiled to within an inch of its life; all the way down to her form-fitting attire and shoes, straight out of designer Instagram pages.

Women desire smart husbands to sire clever kids, but how A-students are trapped by slay queens is fascinating

It would be tempting to think of the slay queen as the woman at the top of the dating wish list. Often, she commands the most attention, has the most suitors. She literally turns all heads. That includes heads of men who chewed books to straight ‘As’, which took them to the best universities and lucrative careers which explains their mansion in leafy suburbs.

How the smartest guy in the room falls for the slay queens is beyond me. Worse, they even put a ring on it!

Perhaps because they’ve been playing catch-up, a smart man, the former A-student, will have no heartburn marrying a slay queen. She represents all the girls who turned him down in high school because he was neither athletic, nor traditionally attractive. He will date her on behalf of his 18-year-old self, and because karma owed him one.

Women value intelligence in a man because it means he is better-placed to be a provider. If they have a son, he inherits part of his father’s intellect in addition to his big head

Bracelets for life: When a man meets an intelligent woman, a tiny warning sign inspired by patriarchy, goes off in his head like a ‘check engine’ light. Marriage often means concessions; and in keeping with dictatorships everywhere, the other half has to submit.

But even beyond the fact that women desire smart husbands to sire clever kids and after all, smart is now cool, how A-students are trapped by slay queens is fascinating.

Obviously, smart men are still men. They appreciate good looks. Whether they are after quick, businesslike one-night stands or searching for future wives, men gravitate towards beauty almost subconsciously, like a politician towards public funds.

The end goal is always the same: Large, heavy breasts call to mind food for the squealing toddler. Wide hips mean childbirth will be seamless

Part of it is because beauty is a proxy for fertility. Regardless of your perspective— whether you’re religious or not— the primary purpose of lungula is procreation. We are driven to reproduce.

The end goal is always the same: Large, heavy breasts call to mind food for the squealing toddler. Wide hips mean childbirth will be seamless. And that maybe eight children will not be such a big task and your grandmother can stop pestering you. As a bonus, these things are all visual treats, so as to distract the man long enough for his other brain to take over.

Dealing with an intelligent wife means dealing with an equal. Everything will be a fight. Every conversation will be like defending a thesis

Brainbox blues: Intelligence is admirable in a spouse. But far too often, it comes with a few drops of combativeness. For domestic peace, the slay queen-who might tell the difference between Biden and Forbidden-  is the more practical spouse for the millionaire Smart Alec.

More crucially, smart men behave very differently compared to smart women. The average smart woman wants to date within her own league. She is less likely to date down compared to a man in a similar position. She wants to be met on the same level intellectually, if not socially.

For the two genders, intelligence means different things. Women value intelligence in a man because it means he is better-placed to be a provider. He will get a job easier because he will know how to answer ‘tell us about yourself’. If they have a child, and he inherits part of his father’s intellect in addition to his big head, then that’s a plus.

But when a man meets an intelligent woman, a tiny warning sign inspired by patriarchy, goes off in his head like a ‘check engine’ light. He is sharp enough to realize that the halls in his house will be nothing like the academic halls he spent half his life running through.

Some argue that only an insecure man gets worried about a smart wife. But he knows intelligence is not measured in kilograms like goat ribs

Marriage often means concessions; one leader in the household, and in keeping with dictatorships everywhere, the other half has to submit. He is aware they cannot flip a coin for it, or compete to see who threw urine the furthest as a mark of leadership.

Dealing with an intelligent wife means dealing with an equal. Everything will be a fight. Every conversation will be like defending a thesis. Intelligence is admirable in a spouse. But far too often, it comes with a few drops of combativeness. For domestic peace, the slay queen-who might tell the difference between Biden and Forbidden-  is the more practical spouse for the millionaire Smart Alec.

When looking for a spouse, a man, smart or dumb, has a long list of which intelligence pulls the tail

Love in the afternoon: If in doubt, go for the slay queen. She will brighten your life, give birth to cute kids-for whom you will set up YouTube channels when fake accents kick in.

Some people will argue that only an insecure man gets worried about a smart woman for a wife. But he knows intelligence is not measured in kilograms like goat ribs. And, more importantly, marriage is not a competition.

The clever man doesn’t care, either way. When looking for a spouse, a man, smart or dumb, has a long list of which intelligence pulls the tail. Chastity, faithfulness, the ability to pull off a dera. When it comes to marriage, there is no such thing as a smart man, just an idiot looking for a wife.

So it seems ‘what is good for the goose is good for the gander.’ If in doubt, go for the slay queen. She will brighten your life, give birth to cute kids-for whom you will set up YouTube channels as soon as their fake accents kick in. They’re alright, those queens of slay, they just get a bad reputation.

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