‘I only deal with men who buy more tires than shoe!’ is the attitude she carries in her wine red car
My in-laws were very embarrassed. They had come prepared to squeeze endless fines from my folks. See, I had gone drinking past curfew hours and the barmaid suggested we komboa the lodging and cut pints from there. I chewed a blackout. My wife, Nimo, caught me with the tit of Skonye, the barmaid in my mouth, when she came looking for me. That was what triggered a case involving wazee from both families.
But alas! Nimo’s folks drank too much muratina before putting stomach defense from the roast goat, besides mukimo, njahi and thufu. Embarrassments followed kibao: Nimo’s dad went to pee, lost his way and was placed under quarantine by cops. The lead uncle in the case was found with Skonye. The case was called off.
I had not known one of my favourite relatives was around-Aunt wa Harrier.
She is plumpy, says she can’t eat to add weight only to lose it at the gym. She is round and would roll like a barrel if she fell. Her hair is held back with an expensive hair band and she’s always in full flowing dresses and large sun glasses resembling the windshield of her Harrier.
Oh! that car. It is wine red. She is always pointing the remote to open its doors mostly to pick a towel for wiping dust on its sides. I don’t know how many times she wiped at windswept Kenol-that place along the Thika superhighway where all people from Mt Kenya region meet to and from village functions.
Aunt wa Harrier has one daughter whom she calls “Harvard material.” But no one has ever seen her
Aunt wa Harrier likes chewing gum, is always on her phone talking about “my agent”, “shipping bills”, “Turkey is cheaper than China” and “change flight to Qatar Airways.”
She issues out throaty laughs while slapping her thighs while talking into her large smart phones which she often says “hii hata Uhuru hana!”
Aunt wa Harrier only takes aged drinks with a college education. She calls these brandies and blended whiskies “teenagers” as most are 18 years and above. It’s a miracle to see her drinking beer but when she does its normally those green bottles served in twos, but have to be washed at the sink first before she wipes them with her own white wet wipes.
Aunt wa Harrier has one daughter whom she calls “Harvard material.” But no one has ever seen her. Even when you go visiting her house inside that gated communities where house helps spot uniforms like sailors.
Aunt wa Harrier never got married. You can tell her attitude towards men by how she looks at them. She starts with the hair of which she reckons “mtu ana pesa hata nywele shaggy looks like its combed.” She then finishes with the fees and pipes: “I only deal with men who buy more tires than shoe!”
I will tell you more about the shenanigans of Aunt wa Harrier at Kenol, next week.