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Lilian & Juliani pre-Valentine wedding: Why women rush to get married…by hook or crook!

Women who look for men with money are the most miserable, irredeemably lost-Benjamin Zulu

Be My Valentine: Former Machakos First Lady, Lilian Ng’ang’a and gospel musician wed six months after they met. Yet there are four stages when dating: Stage One- invite him when he shows interest, to judge him. Stage Two- role play as if you were his woman. Stage Three- play hard to get if he ticks the right boxes. Stage Four- set conditions for settling down…if it’s a wedding, say so.
“But don’t get pregnant, somehow, don’t come we stay with him, all that is stupidity, warns city psychologist Benjamin Zulu.

By Shifa Mwihaki

Feature writer/Essayist

Lilian Ng’ang’a, the former Machakos First Lady, dumped her loaded dude of nine years and six months later, she was holding a private wedding two weeks to Valentine’s Day. How now?

 Machakos Governor Dr Alfred Mutua had not even recovered from the breakup when Lilian decided to wed gospel musician Juliani (Julius Owino) in a private ceremony in Kiambu County.

Why would a woman who had been hitched for nine years suddenly wed someone she had known for just six months?

Well, city psychologist Benjamin Zulu argues that many Kenyan women rush to get hitched late for various reasons the biggest being, most look for men with money.

“Women who look for men with money are the most miserable, irredeemably lost. They mistake the man for his money, says Zulu. “Such men will treat you like his property which he also acquired with money.”

Some women should first take care of emotional disability. Bitterness is very repelling

Accident in waiting: Machakos Governor Dr Alfred Mutua and Lilian Ng’ang’a were together for nine years. Psychologist Benjamin Zulu says some women waste the best years of their lives because “they interviewed the same candidate for eight years. If the man does not tick the right boxes, leave him for the next one.”

During a morning interview with Mary Mwikali’s Full Circle programme, Zulu explained that others “began dating at the stupid age of 21” and after getting  heartbroken never recovered. “They should first take care of the emotional disability,” said Zulu. “Bitterness is very repelling.”

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Other women were good girls who were taught from childhood to wait and be spotted and “never put themselves out there.”

Zulu says most women age before settling down after over listening to their parents yet “parents can’t guide you further than they went. When you surpass your parents, you must get another source of advice. Ask them about money, and they will advise you how they spent theirs and you end up where they are.” Zulu says a woman should break free, build their career and social life, find the love of their life and settle down.

But dressing like your mother with clothes that have floors, like Gikomba on the move, does not help matters says Zulu adding that when a woman reaches the age of dating should “wear clothes that are exact, not traditional like your mothers. “Love and romance are visual,” advices Zulu. “Be elegant, youthful, modern, playful, flattering, teasing, not too revealing, not too concealing. Dress in a manner to say ‘talk to me!”

Workaholic women also fail in social life yet Manna was a miracle and Israelites had to for it

The Shrink: Benjamin Zulu argues that most women in late 30s are not digitally savvy and are likely to get their lovers off-line. “If you are the leader at work, be the follower in a relationship. Men are not looking for a leader in a woman,” says Zulu.

Workaholic women also fail in social life yet Manna was a miracle and Israelites had to for it. This goes hand in hand with being “socially isolated” and it’s even worse when your mother and uncles are your friends on Facebook!  

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Women who live in triangles: work, home and church, also fair badly “and are mostly spotted by married men, not the singles in restaurants.”

For women who feel ‘late’, searching for a spouse is better since they’re more grounded and can date with a clear head. They can also opt for “returnees” those men whose marriages never worked but have amazing character. Look at maturity, not age…does the guy think? Can they lead you?… do they make you feel girly?…age does not tell maturity.”

 There are people who are single by choice but there are four sins women commit. “One is inheriting your family, playing parent before you become a parent since you were the first to have a financial breakthrough,” says Zulu. “You mediate between siblings, fund projects, you even parent your parents and how they spend the money you’re sending them!”

Many women have an over active need to be needed, especially those who took care of their families, say Zulu. “They are used to giving and don’t know how to ask.”

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