The Bar Stool with Papa Whiskey

Kusota Krisi: Auntie wa Harrier’s champagne lifestyle… on chang’aa budget!

She kept her class of preferring 15 year old whiskies at my expense

Bloody relatives: Visitors-especially from Shags also mean changing channels and watching Nigerian films and listening to mugithi at full blast.

We don’t like visitors. Kwanza this Christmas is even worse. For one, there is that small matter of visitors not being so keen on sanitizers, washing hands and using face masks. Most have stopped ku-gota for extended handshakes and hugs.

Then this pandemic has meant diminishing income. Besides salary cuts, business has also gone south. Visitors mean reducing the little cash reserves left as you have to entertain their mouths with your culinary skills. Most importantly, you have to show them you are pandemic proof by throwing rounds of choice whiskies.

When its in-laws bringing their kiherehere to your house, the visits get expensive. When relatives of Nimo, the resident nagger, come means calling taxies to the door step so that they don’t walk to the bus stop-when you remember you haven’t finished paying ruracio!

It is even worse when visitors come with special dietary demands. Like charcoal boiled yams with managu

Visitors-especially from Shags-also mean changing channels and watching Nigerian films and listening to mugithi at full blast, against your will-and that of the jiranis. Should I say that visitors also strain the sewerage system?

It is even worse when visitors come with special dietary demands. Like charcoal boiled yams with managu, yet jiko is not allowed in the flat! Or ugali with mala. Yet, sukuma wiki is Sh20 but mala is Sh90!

And so it was that Aunt wa Harrier called to say “niko in your hood…I am dropping by for Christmas!”

She wiped the whisky glass-especially the rim- with white paper towels for 10 minutes

She didn’t come in her wine red Harrier which Nimo later learnt “ili chotwa na auctioneers” when she defaulted on loan payment. Aunt wa Harrier had a fashion import business but her clients were condemned to mitumba by job losses.

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But Aunt wa Harrier akicheza kama yeye, kept her class of preferring 15 year old whiskies at my expense. Her mannerisms were intact as well. She wiped the whisky glass-especially the rim- with white paper towels for 10 minutes while squinting at it as if checking for germs. She took her whiskey with “apple cider in water to reduce my uric acid.” Apple cider, lime and honey were at Nimo’s expense.

For meals, Aunt wa Harrier went for fried fillet, potato wedges and a dessert of ice cream, yoghurt mixed with a dash of juice on fruit salad. She showered for one hour and flushed the toilet five times on each visit.

It gradually dawned on us the house of Aunt wa Harrier had been double padlocked over rent arrears-and was with us to stay until New Year!

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