The Bar Stool with Papa Whiskey

Indoor booze: Kagwe Compliant drinking… from the long sofa!

Using a face mask is out as reaching out for my glass of makali requires an open mouth

Self-isolation: There is nothing like social distancing. I am my own social distance.

For ruining our daughter’s birthday, I was condemned to sleeping on the long sofa. It is where I often find myself at midnight after Nimo, the resident nagger retires to bed, double locking doors. The long sofa has its advantages. I tandaza myself, head resting on a pillow, legs that needs lotion stretched out.

My makali drink sits at the coffee table, just an elbow away. I have my sliced lemons, a thermos of hot water, my bottle of blended whiskey. One litre. I don’t want stories of Oh! the drink is running dangerously low, and I have to call Mtu wa Nduthi to go fetch it between the darkness and nowhere.

Drinking from the long sofa is one damn safe position. It is Kagwe Compliant. There is nothing like social distancing. I am my own social distance. And since the best sanitizer has alcohol, isn’t that what I am drinking, anyway?

There are several activities while drinking on the long sofa. Like wondering the biological purpose of pubic hair?

Using a face mask is out of question considering the activity of reaching out for my glass of makali with sliced ndimu requires an open mouth. Or frequent opening of the mouth. Ever wondered how tulevis rarely miss their mouths even when drinking in pitch darkness?

There are several activities while drinking lying on the long sofa. One is entertaining useless thoughts. Like wondering the biological purpose of pubic hair? That thought strikes you when peeing and you notice one strand of your fudhi is turning grey. Yet, you daughter hasn’t even started baby class. You also notice  your pee is dark brown yellow, that colour of chai with excess tea leaves and maziwa kidogo.

Sometimes you end up following Sharon Stone crisscrossing her endless legs bila ngotha in Basic Instinct with one eye

 Your promise to sips lots of water while drinking but then change your mind when you realize that will dilute the makali. A lot of water will also meant you start getting sober at 3am when the drink is running really, dangerously low and Mtu wa Nduthi can’t be subjected to night riding, searching for mashimo ya onywaji.

The other activity while drinking on the long sofa is watching movies. Like a rerun of Basic Instinct. Problem is sometimes you end up following Sharon Stone crisscrossing her endless legs bila ngotha in Basic Instinct with one eye as sleep comes calling.

The other hazard is waking up only to collect yourself from the floor to where you fell face first

There are several hazards of drinking from the long sofa. One is mosquitos kukusherekea when you start snoring. The snoring can be so loud the toto wakes up and Nimo comes with menaces her head covered in stocking: “Ume mwamsha…mlalishe!”

Have you ever tried soothing a baby to sleep when drunk and feeling sleepy? You start getting sober when her crying wakes all other kids from jirani houses and you can hear parents clicking, cursing.

The other hazard is waking up only to collect yourself from the floor to where you fell face first. Your bruised face needs Elastoplast. You stay under house arrest hadi dents zipone and just why when friends call you tell them: “Niko indoors, detox, mtu wangu.”

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